apologies may be necessary

I am in the process of resizing the images from my blog, possibly even deleting old photos completely. Hopefully that doesn’t mean that my subscribers will get a slew of old posts coming up in their feeds, but I need to do this so that I can free up space for new blog posts.

Bear with me for a while!

Edited to add:

Wow, what an experience, reading the stuff I wrote in 2008. I was still using Blogger at the time rather than WordPress, and I had recently set up my own blog, having separated from a group of friends with whom I used to blog. There’s a lot of negativity about various aspects of my life – I obviously wasn’t in a good place emotionally. But then I re-read this (below) and I felt so relieved and grateful that the old me found this book and was actually able to put the advice into practice and become a better person as a result. And I feel that the blog posts I write now are so much more upbeat, reflecting the person I am today.

 

I have just re-read this book, Radical Forgiveness, by Colin C Tipping. I read it a few years ago, then was reminded of it when Amanda mentioned it. I believe in synchronicity. I put the book on hold at the library and have enjoyed reading it a second time.

I don’t subscribe to any organised religion. My beliefs are an eclectic mix, and I have respect for some of the beliefs from various cultures including Buddhism, Wicca and Native American. Having an open mind is important while reading this book.

The book talks about people as being spiritual beings having a human experience. It says that we decide on the learning experience that we will have on earth before we are born into our physical bodies. If we are upset by someone, we are being given the chance to heal past hurts. We need to get away from the victim mentality and recognise that everything that happens to us is created by us for a reason.

Towards the end of the book, the author gives a worksheet to enable the reader to work through a specific problem. Long before I reached that worksheet, I had already found myself at a place where I was able to see that the strife with my friends a few months ago was meant to happen – I created it, even though I didn’t see it at the time. I have played the victim role, complaining about what happened, and my internal dialogue was making me miserable.

I have now moved on to a state of radical forgiveness, which is unlike traditional forgiveness. Radical Forgiveness involves realising that there is nothing to forgive – my friends and I played our roles as we were meant to. If for some reason I do not learn my life lesson this time, then I will continue to attract similar situations until I succeed.

I have no doubt that anger and resentment can cause disease in the body. I have had to visit the doctor recently and, whilst he treated the symptoms, he made no indication of knowing the real cause of my problem. But I do. It was emotional stress and tension. Now that I have dealt with the real cause, my physical problem is going away.

I don’t know what will happen to the relationships that were affected by all this “personal growth”, but I am feeling better in myself, I feel happy again, and I am no longer dwelling on the past or making assumptions about the future. I definitely recommend this book!

 

on to more serious topics

I have minimal energy today and have to assume it’s the 34 degree weather outside. The house is hot and stuffy and I feel like I’m moving through molasses. We have to keep the windows, at least on the south side, closed all day. The UV film is doing a grand job of reflecting much of the heat and glare, but these days I feel quite claustrophobic if I can’t have a window open and feel air passing over my skin.

I suppose we could go down to the beach and cool off in the lake, like we did last night, but we all seem to be satisfied to be indoors doing as little as possible. If we get the promised thunderstorm tonight, I will be out there getting wet!

I have some topics I’d like to write seriously about, to make a change from small talk and knitting. If I can get my brain cells to co-operate, I’ll tackle one today and the others later. (I even fell asleep on the sofa at lunchtime, I felt so tired.) I’ll start with the easiest for now.

One of the things I often wonder about is why women put on weight in different places. What I mean is, one of my friends has put on weight over the last couple of years, but it’s all around her middle. She’s an “apple” – her legs are as slim as ever. I, however, put on weight/keep it on around my thigh area – I’m a “pear.” Now why would there be two such different body types? Are we descended from two very different genetic types? Why wouldn’t we just put on weight evenly all over? Actually, since I continued to put on weight, it has distributed itself all over my body eventually, working its way up and down from the aforementioned thigh area. Now that I am making a concerted effort to eat less, it will be interesting to see what shrinks first! If only it would NOT be my boobs!!

Another thing I have been curious about is how our bodies change as we age. I have a senior friend who writes a column for the local newspaper and she thinks that someone should write a book called, “What to Expect when You’re Aging,” similar to the format of “What to Expect when You’re Expecting!”

I will be celebrating my 50th birthday this month – yes, really celebrating, I have actually organised a party on the beach and invited a ton of friends. In the summer, we tend to show off more skin and notice what’s going on with our bodies when the winter sweaters come off. Being on the beach, surrounded by people in varying states of undress, gives you a chance to see the immense range of human bodies. The skin of a 20 year old, smooth and peachy, is so different from mine with its age spots and cellulite, which again is so different from the 80 year old grandmother with all her saggy lumpy bits. But it’s all good.

It’s taken me nearly 50 years, but I am finally learning that the body that we inhabit in this lifetime is just our “earthsuit.” Yes, it’s important to feed it well, keep it healthy and strong, because it is the vehicle for our soul, but the way it looks is nowhere near as important as the movies and magazines would have us think.

Most of the time now, I look at my body, or check in with how it feels, and feel comfortable and happy. It’s ironic that my butt is 1.5 times the size it was when I was 20 but I don’t have a problem with it any more! Occasionally I’ll catch sight of my upper arm, looking a little dangly (what is it with that upper arm thing that suddenly hits in our forties?), or look down at my legs that look like the surface of the moon, and as soon as the old negative thought starts to form I’ll nip it in the bud. It really doesn’t matter. It’s what’s inside that counts.

 

 

 

 

 

miscellaneous update #532

I don’t know how many “miscellaneous updates” I have written over the last few years. It probably isn’t 532, though I believe I have written over 800 posts in total (WordPress will tell me when I publish this).

Firstly, dad’s health. Not sure how much I’ve revealed on the blog so far, but if you’ve been reading for a while you know my dad has lung cancer. Well, since my trip to the UK in April and May, his health has declined. He had a CT scan last Friday and is due to meet with the oncologist tomorrow. My family knows the scan results, but he doesn’t, so I will reveal more in a day or two.

Second, a very healthy dessert recipe, which I made for a potluck baby shower at the weekend. Triple Almond Cherry Crumble Squares. I forgot to prebake the base before adding the cherry jam and topping. My squares were quite delicate, but nice all the same. Not overly sweet.

The blanket is now about 22.5 inches long and getting quite heavy. It’s a bit lumpy and bumpy at the moment because of the different weights of yarn. Not sure how I will wash/block it yet.

And as for my beach knitting, I have reached the end of the first ball of Knitpicks Comfy and have Russian-joined the next ball on. The scarf is now about 25 inches long, so obviously I’m anticipating a scarf that is about 50 inches when finished, plus a possible extra bit after blocking.

This yarn is very soft and I am loving to knit with it. My friend oohed and aahed over it yesterday.

The 12 row repeat is very simple to follow. This would be an excellent first lace project.

And yet more miscellaneousness – I mean, miscellany. I haven’t shampooed my hair all week. No, it’s not icky at all. Instead I have been using conditioner only in the shower, massaging it into my scalp and all the way through to the ends. It feels very soft and looks clean. I do still add a little mousse if I want some curl definition. I know many people have stopped using shampoo and I have tried it before, experimenting with baking soda and vinegar, but the conditioner-only thing seems to be working well for now.

And finally…the Fifty Percent Plan. For the last month, I have been applying a new principle. Eating 50% of what I was eating before. Half size smoothies; muesli in a really small bowl with only a quarter cup of oats and half a banana (plus some other stuff); one sandwich; one bagel; one serving of dinner and salad on a small plate. You know you’ve been eating too much when you can cut it in half and don’t feel hungry.

My motivation was that (a) I knew I was eating too much – it was a bad habit, (b) I didn’t want to get any bigger, and (c) I didn’t like feeling overstuffed and uncomfortable after I’d eaten. I haven’t weighed or measured myself but I do feel more comfortable in my clothes. On the occasions that I’ve allowed myself to have an extra bagel, or whatever, I’ve done it consciously, in the full awareness that I don’t need it and I’ll probably regret it later!

Eating mindfully is an important part of this effort. Feeling thankful for the food, not multi-tasking, and eating more slowly all contribute to making it easier to eat less.

So I think that’s us all up to speed. Have a great day!

 

 

happy new year

I have been sad to read many bloggers’ comments that they are glad to see the back of 2011 because it sucked! I am grateful to say that 2011 was a wonderful year for me. It wasn’t particularly eventful, though I certainly found plenty to talk about on this blog. No, life is good because I have learned so much about living in the present, being grateful for what I have, and getting less caught up in self-destructive thoughts. If I were to offer a prescription for good health in 2012, I would say:

• live now
• lose all resentment or regrets about the past
• stop worrying about what the future may hold
• love unconditionally
• stop judging and criticising yourself and others
• appreciate yourself, your body, and everything that you have
• let go of the need to be right all the time

I’m not saying that I have managed all this yet, at least not 100% of the time, but doing your best every day is good enough.

I’m not making New Year’s Resolutions or setting goals but, as Leo on ZenHabits blog says, we can develop new habits to make our lives even better. New habits that I would like to develop are

• to drink a green smoothie every day
• to walk every day

Really, those are the most important – I could waffle on about other things, but that’s enough to start with. I have let my fitness slide and it doesn’t fit with my intention to stay active and flexible for my whole life. I went out yesterday and delivered all my son’s newspapers just so I could get in a two hour walk. I was pretty sore later on but glad I did it.

It would be nice to take a walk with my family this afternoon but before I came down to the computer Tai Chi Man was lying down (feeling grotty with a cold) and the boys were all in bed (they were up all night)!

I have to mention how excited I am to be able to type today’s post on my new iMac. The screen is so much bigger than our old eMac, and of course everything is up to date and faster. Tai Chi Man ordered it without telling me so it was a total surprise. It’s a refurbished one purchased direct from Apple – saved us around $300 – and because the old computer is still working we were able to import all our stuff over to the new computer rather than start from scratch (like last time).

I have talked to both my mum and my sister on the phone in the last couple of days, which has been wonderful, but I am definitely feeling like it’s time to go back to the old country for a visit this year. I don’t know whether it’ll happen, but it’s three and a half years since I last saw my parents, sister, brother-in-law, niece and nephew. Too long, especially when one’s parents are in their late 70s.

Love Actually is a movie I’ve seen many times but I wanted to see it again, and this time I managed to get four Brit friends together at my house for drinks, snacks and movie-watching. Right up until the last day, I thought only two of them were going to show up, then we managed to pull it all together for the evening. If you haven’t seen it, I recommend it.

Having heard about Canadian butter tarts, and seeing them for sale at my local bakery, I decided to Google a vegan recipe and found one on savvyvegetarian. At first I wondered how it would turn out, as the liquid mixture that you pour into the tartshells looked really runny, but they set and tasted heavenly. The recommended quantity of pastry was too much, and I had enough for 24 small tarts plus a larger tart and still have some wrapped in the fridge. To make it really decadent, I used white flour – oh my, the texture is completely different from wholewheat pastry, so smooth. I didn’t get a photo, I’m afraid. Next experiment will have to be another Canadian institution, Nanaimo bars!

Current reading material is a huge novel called Fall of Giants by Ken Follett. It is the first of a trilogy, and I haven’t figured out whether the library has the other two books yet. I hope they do, because I’m really enjoying the story and the writing style.

Well, I think I’ve waffled on enough for one day. Happy New Year to all my readers.

Nicola

 

 

 

 

brrrrr

A drop of ten degrees Celsius takes a bit of getting used to. Monday was hot, Tuesday was cloudy and showery. I see from the forecast that it’s going up again towards the weekend, but the nights are staying cool.

Here’s a peek of my new tea-towel, though I’m not sure I will be using it as such. Maybe it needs to be on display somewhere safe. Why? Because it was made by my friend on her loom. Yes, a handwoven tea-towel. When I went over to her house a few weeks back, she let me have a play on her loom, so somewhere in that long length of warp she had to cut out a crappy weird section which was the bit I did!

Another friend gave me a paperback novel which I haven’t read, so that will be something to look forward to.

I’ve already been for two long walks this week, and I was going to do another this morning….behind my mower. However, as usual, I couldn’t get it started, so it will have to wait until this evening. Tai Chi Man has the touch with our old mower – I think we should buy a new one that I can train to work for ME.

Ds2 and ds3 are doing more pottery classes this week. Eight hours of instruction over four days. They don’t say a lot, but I know they love it. This is the first time they’ve used pottery wheels, which to me feels like the “real” way to do it! I shall have to learn that myself some day.

I shall leave you with a book recommendation. Wayne Dyer’s Change your Thoughts, Change your Life: living the wisdom of the Tao. Dr Dyer spent a whole year reading Lao Tzu’s Tao Te Ching (pronounced Dow Der Ching) verse by verse (all 81 of them), meditating on them, studying various translations, and putting it into his own words, with a “Do the Tao” paragraph at the end of every chapter, suggesting ways we can put it into practice in our own lives.

This is exactly what I’ve been studying for the last year and a half with my Tao group. At first, we read and discussed The Sutra of Hui Neng (the Sixth Grand Patriarch of Zen) and now we’re working on the Tao Te Ching. It’s life-changing, it really is. It teaches us how to be the best spiritual/human beings we can possibly be. It exhorts us to return to our original or true nature, which is one of unconditional love, peace and non-judgment. Very powerful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

i touched a buoy!

The boys and I went to the beach today with a friend and her son. It was the same beach where I swam out into the deep water with two friends and nearly, but not quite, touched the buoy a couple of weeks ago.

This time, I swam out there, out of my depth, and ds2 had goggles on and was able to tell me which way the chain was hanging, attaching the buoy to the concrete block. Ds3 admitted to a fear of touching the chain too. We were both just a few feet away from the buoy, and I challenged him to touch it with me. So we did, ever so briefly, and then swam away. Very brave of both of us, I thought.

It was just a large white plastic thing, not even slimy or weedy, but that is still a considerable advance towards conquering my fears.

It helped that the bottom was sandy there, and the water clear.

No knitting was done today, so no progress on the mitten. I really need a simple garter stitch scarf or something for times when reading a chart isn’t practical.

 

 

deep water and high heights

I’m really pushing my boundaries this week, facing my fears. I swung off a rope into the lake today. The water was deep and clear enough that I could see to the bottom, but it’s not something I’ve done before. I usually hate being near things like docks and slimy steps etc but I was OK today (the steps weren’t at all slimy, in fact). A couple of days ago I was swimming with two friends and we went out pretty deep, out of our depth. The bottom was sandy and being with them helped me feel braver, but I still couldn’t bring myself to swim right up to the buoy that marked the edge of the swimming area. I have a thing about ropes/chains/whatever underwater – I think if I put on some goggles and make it a goal of mine to go up to a buoy and touch it, I will be making great strides in conquering that fear.

Another thing I have a problem with is heights. Actually, I think I conquered that one this morning, as I went ziplining at an awesome place a half hour’s drive away. It was an expensive outing for our family of five, but I justified it by the fact that we were “holidaying at home” this week (Tai Chi Man had the week off and we were staying at home, not travelling).

Tai Chi Man

This zipline place offers the highest cable in Canada – 381 feet above the creek which runs through the canyon that you zip over. It’s the first one you do – you’re terrified – you think you’re going to scream or wet yourself or something – you can see it goes way, way across to the landing stage which is tiny in the distance and you check that your carabiners are clipped on OK because you don’t want to plummet to your death….

DS1 coming in for a landing

By the fourth one, you’re smiling and loving it and not holding the bars with a death-grip!

DS3 heading out

And on the fifth, you have the option to put on longer tethers and flip yourself upside-down, stretch out your arms, and whoop your way down. That gets the adrenaline going afresh.

DS2 checking out the view

There are 6 cable crossings in all, with a short uphill walk between each. We all had a great time.

seeing things from a different perspective

 

 

 

 

 

past lives

This is an intensely personal post.  I am blogging about it partly so I can record it for my own future reference and partly to share it with those who are open to the concept of past lives. If this isn’t in your belief system, you can ignore it, or maybe read it with an open mind.

*****************

I am a believer in reincarnation. I believe that I have lived other lives in other physical bodies at different times. My Tao study over the last year has strengthened my conviction that we are spiritual beings having a physical experience – not just once, but over and over.

Last week, Tai Chi Man and I went to the local Questers monthly meeting. The speaker was a hypnotherapist who told us that his success rate at helping people with their fears/addictions/health problems went from 20% to 95% when he learned how to guide them with past life regression.

This was something I wanted to try. I had been thinking about going to a hypnotherapist for my fear at the dentist (my sister recently did the same where she lives for her tendency to suffer from seasickness). I signed up for an appointment on the spot, and this morning I went to see him.

It was a very enlightening hour and a half. I was guided into deep relaxation – you are still aware of what’s around you, you can converse, you remember everything afterwards. He told me that whether I believed that I was seeing my past lives or whether I thought it was my imagination, it was OK, as it would work either way. Usually, seeing an experience from a past life and realising that that is where your fear is coming from clears the problem in this life.

The first life I was asked to see was one where I felt supremely confident. This is something that I can use in future if ever I want to summon up feelings of self-confidence. Things were a little fuzzy at first, but eventually I saw myself as a beautiful blonde woman in a green dress, standing on a sunny hillside with wild flowers and trees around. There was a gentle breeze in my face. I can’t remember how old I was in that scene, but that doesn’t matter.

The second life I was asked to see was one where I was using a talent I had. Many people are born with incredible talent and it’s a good possibility that they did that in a previous lifetime. I saw myself as a woman in a sparkly pink dress, sitting at a grand piano, playing (professionally) my own jazz-style music in 1922. In this life, I was married to the same man I am married to today. (Of course he looked different then.) The interesting thing is that I’ve always wanted to play the piano, but never have, but the hypnotherapist told me that if I wanted to do it in this life it should be easy for me, as I’ve done it before.

I was then guided to see a life that would help me with my hearing issue. I am a total believer in mind over matter…that our mind is what creates illness or disease in our body…that we have control over every cell in our body if only we just believe it. Unfortunately the mind is a very suggestible thing. I have bought in to the belief that I have inherited otosclerosis from my mum, which means that I am manifesting it in my life. Time to change my mind! I saw myself as an old man in 1502, who’d been born deaf, and was being looked after by a housekeeper. He was just sitting there in a dark room lit only by a fire in the fireplace and maybe an oil lamp. He (I)  died of old age.

I revisited my life as the piano player when I was asked about my problems with self-acceptance. I was younger this time – 16 – and had been offered money to play at someone’s house, but didn’t think I was good enough.

My fear of the dentist is not really about the pain, because with the pain relief they have these days it doesn’t have to hurt. However when I am lying horizontal on the couch, and have to keep my throat closed, and the saliva builds up, and maybe water from the jet they use to rinse the teeth, and I have to try and swallow with my mouth open, I get so stressed out about possibly gagging and throwing up. The life I went to was in 1772 in England – a man was being beheaded and I was in the crowd, near the front, with a small child clinging to my leg, looking up at me with his big brown eyes. I was his mother, dressed in brown sackcloth, touching my throat as I waited for the executioner to do his thing, as I was empathising with him. He was a traitor – was being executed for his beliefs which were different from the king’s – and I knew that if people knew that I agreed with him, they would execute me too. I saw his head being cut off before I looked away in distress.

The final life was prompted by my fear of deep water. Strangely, when he asked me what year it was, I said 1972. Apparently one’s energy can inhabit more than one physical body at a time. I was a beautiful blonde on a rich man’s yacht – something pretty for him to escort around – but he was now tired of me and his hired man met me out on the deck and heaved me over the railing into the sea. I had a very clear picture of the girl in the water with her hair and dress flowing around her. She drowned.

These are the basics – there was a little more to this, e.g. he asked me what life lessons I had learned in each lifetime, and had me meet my “soul group” between lives. It was a very interesting, and at times moving, experience. I will have to see, as I meet different challenges, whether this session has cleared up some of my fears. I certainly hope so!

 

 

 

zenhabits’ post for today

I know that it’s OK to paste part of Leo’s post here, as he says that his entire blog is uncopyrighted. Here’s the first part of it but I encourage you to read it all here.

It comes at an interesting time for me. I struggle daily with my issues of control and expectations, mostly around my oldest son. Today I came home from the park and found that ds1 had been prepping food in the kitchen and had, as often happens, left the dirty dishes etc lying around. I asked him nicely and calmly whether I could expect his help to clean up the kitchen so I could prepare dinner and consciously made sure that I had no expectations of him agreeing. I washed, he dried and put away the dishes, I thanked him, and all was well.

My Tao cultivation has moments of success like this which make me realise how much better life is when we stop acting automatically, and become mindful of our thoughts, speech and actions.

Toss Your Expectations Into the Ocean

 

‘Act without expectation.’ ~Lao Tzu

Post written by Leo Babauta.

How much of your stress, frustration, disappointment, anger, irritation, pissed-offedness comes from one little thing?

Almost all of it comes from your expectations, and when things (inevitably) don’t turn out as we expect, from wishing things were different.

We build these expectations in our heads of what other people should do, what our lives should be like, how other drivers should behave … and yet it’s all fantasy. It’s not real.

And when reality doesn’t meet our fantasy, we wish the world were different.

Here’s a simple solution:

Take your expectations, and throw them in the ocean.

(continued at the zenhabits blog)

 

day 6

Yes, I’m a little late in posting. Day 6 was actually yesterday. I was knitting on my couch last night with a big blanket over my knees when I realised I hadn’t checked the Gratitude Challenge task for the day. My iPod was nearby (I’ve been playing Plants vs Zombies, ahem) so I took a look. It said to call someone you hadn’t seen for a while and let them know how much you appreciate them.

I did call my parents on Sunday, does that count?

No, really, what I decided to do was to email my friend from Taekwondo. I don’t see her much since I stopped going to TKD but we occasionally meet for a cup of tea and a natter, so I sent her a message and hope to get together with her next week.

Today the task is to take a photo of something special, so I will carry my camera with me today. Unusually for me, I have THREE commitments today. This morning I will be walking up to the hairdresser’s for a trim, this afternoon WorldTraveller needs to go to the dentist to have his sore wisdom teeth checked out, and this evening I have my Zen book study. That’s a busy day for me.

I have to tell you about the fun time I had yesterday. I went around to my new friend Pam’s for some Dance Dance Revolution mat time. No one else showed up so it was just the two of us, then a cup of tea and a chat. We got to know each other better – you do that more with one-on-one, I find. At lunchtime, we walked over to our friend Barbara’s who was having a milestone birthday (I promised not to reveal the number) and she already had another friend and her mum there. All of us were British and the conversation was just hilarious. We all spoke the same language, if you know what I mean. We understood the slang, the humour, it was instant rapport.

My abs got a better workout from the laughter than they did from the DDR game!

I am so grateful for that time at Barb’s house yesterday. Laughter really is the best medicine (to quote the Reader’s Digest).

She really appreciated her birthday gifts too – these, this and this.

Tonight is apparently going to the be the coldest night of the week – something like minus 24 with windchill. I could hear the wind whistling around the house last night and was VERY grateful that I was indoors.